A symbol of love forever
As a circle never ends so to is love neverending
But I no longer know the meaning
When I look at all I can feel is heartache.
I makes me think of all the pain that has come from our marriage
Our first year, our first deployment while married
You constantly destroyed me. You constantly made me feel like I was a piece of shit
Blaming me, accusing me, pushing me so far that I beg for a divorce and then stop
Saying you didn't want it
That you were just seeing how far I had to be pushed
What kind of sick twisted game is this
We've finally had a year and a half together
And I thought things would be good
Especially after our first year apart
But it wasn't
You sat at home for months with no job
Didn't do any cleaning in the house
Expected me to do it
And I get it
I barely worked
But a marriage is supposed to partnership
And we were never partners
It was always expected of me to clean up after you
Cook food for you
Or buy food
Pay all the bills
Take care of all the animals
Never go out with friends because you didnt trust them
And if I did had to know everything
Theres a point of being protective
And a point of being controlling
And I should have known better
After the shit we went through dating
How long did I have to hate myself before you took me back
How long did I have to fear everyone that I talked to before you decided I was trustworthy
And after all that I had no confidence in myself
I literally destroyed myself for you
I know I made a mistake early in our relationship
But so did you
Mine were just words
You actually fucked someone while on leave
And what did I do
Slapped you on the face and moved on
I know I didnt tell you
I know you found out the hard way
But does that truly give you the right to all my texts
All my facebook and snapchat messages
Did that give you the right to tell me who I could and couldn't talk to
To an extent yes
But you took it too far with responding to messages
Telling me I'm lying about something when you weren't there
And what's worse about that is we weren't even together so why did it matter so much to you
You made me think I was crazy.
You were the largest reason I broke down in Cambodia
Why I asked to be sent back
But I did what I was told and said it was because of the assault case I had going on.
That I was struggling
I was believe me
But you made so much worse than it really was
Hell you even questioned if that was real
Or if I was just saying it so you wouldn't get mad at me
I lost so many friends because of you
Because I wanted you so bad that I was willing to do what ever crazy thing you asked
And even when I wanted to jump out of that window
It was because of how you treated me
Yes half of it was because the man who assaulted me was found not guilty only a couple months prior and it was coming up on new year's which always brought those memories back
But the other half was you
You wanting to know every little detail about everything
Why I was taking so long to respond
Who I was going out with
Where were we going
Was I going to be drinking
What I was wearing
How many people were going in the group
You never just let me have a girls night without having to tell you
What was the point
Hell you even wanted full details of what we talked about
You MADE me record my psychiatrist sessions because you wanted to know what I was telling her
You told me what I was and wasn't allowed to tell her
Because "our relationship was our problem and no one elses they dont need to know"
And I listened
I thought it was because you wanted to really talk about our problems by ourselves
That you wanted to work on them
Now I believe it was because you didnt want people to know how controlling you were
Fuck, you wanted to read everything I wrote in my journal
My own private thoughts were no longer my own
I felt like I had to suppress what I was feeling when writing because you would get mad
I couldn't even be honest with myself anymore
You literally broke me down that I felt there was nothing without you
But now growth has begun to happen and you are no longer growing with me
And I have begun to see everything clearly
I don't know if it was ever love
I think you loved the idea of love and you loved the idea of me
But I wasn't perfect for you
I was too independent and you broke it
Were our vows even real
Because looking back I don't know
I don't believe so
I thought it was love
Because I had finally broken myself to the point where I fit inside your mold
And I've tried so hard to mend myself back together
But I'm too large for the small mold you wanted me in
A marriage is supposed to be two people who love each other that they are willing to fight along side one another
To push each other to be better
To be partners in everything
And we are not partners
No
I am just someone who carries you along on her back while you just sit aside and take it all for yourself
I have finally opened my eyes and I can never unseen what I have seen in you
I am done breaking myself for you
I am tired of feeling ashamed of the medication I now have to take because if everything
I am tired of feeling awful because I dont take care of the house like I used to
Or how I take care of myself
From now on what I do is for me
So take back this circle of lies
I can no longer wear it and see happiness
Take back this ring of destroyed promises
And set me free from the mold you so desperately tried to fit me in
Our circle was never true
And we need to admit that to ourselves
Our wedding rings were only for show
©echo
E