It's hard to breathe
My heart is heavy
All I want is for you to be safe
And that's not with me
I am a mess and I'm not sane
You need someone who wont hurt you
Someone who will keep you safe
You want to help and you want to heal
But it's wrong of you to try
It's dangerous, I'm dangerous
I know now that I'm not cold
I know now my heart shows kindness and love
But when will that end
When will that change and I become dark
When will I try to devour you and leave nothing behind
When will I laugh at the pain I cause you
And when will I stop caring about you
I don't want to take that chance any more
I wanted to
Don't think otherwise
But the closer I got to you
The more afraid I became
You were a distraction
From my loneliness and self-hatred
A distraction from who I really am
And part of me really wanted a relationship
I wanted you and to see what could happen
But the other part just wanted your attention
Wanted to drain you of love and affection
And it ended up being the worst thing ever
I grew attached and wanted to give you so much
But I have nothing to give
I couldn't give you what i wanted to
Because I was empty
This void is never ending
And I'm constantly fighting to feel something
Maybe it was just infatuation
Maybe it was just the idea of maybe having something with you
That pushed me to message you
I need physical and I need touch
I need you to be here
To feel you really
And maybe then I would know
But now it's too late
Now it probably will never happen
Because I told you I couldn't see anything
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
and i have probably forever lost you
I'm sorry I couldn't wait
I'm sorry that I led you on with intentions of more
And leaving you with nothing
I have sat here all day
wanting to find the words
Wanting to tell you how I feel
Wanting to show you what I need
You are so wonderful
And you are so amazing
I want to show you what i see
I want to show you what made me crush on you
Even back then when it was wrong of me
Even when I thought I was just being dumb
You gave me a feeling that is like butterflies
But not in my stomach
It was in my chest
In my throat making is hard to breathe sometimes
You draw people in and it's not difficult to see why
You make people feel like they can talk to you
And you make it easy to open up
I'm far too gone for help
I wish I could take it
I wish I could be saved
But I can't
It will never be gone
And I will have this forever
I'm never going to be good enough
And you know why
You just refuse to see it clearly
And that's my fault
But please
Forgive me for everything I've done
Forgive me for being stubborn
Forgive me for giving up without really trying
And forgive me for letting go
And if you hate me for it all
Just know that I understand
And know that I am ok with anything you decide
©echo
E