it's so hot
n this he'll
it dnt ran here
I am beautiful
but down here
they see u
n they want to break u down
hurt her
break her
drag her dwn
she's no better
cuz she dnt do drugs
my karma
karma is me
cuz it was me who judged
I judged the girls I was being cheated on wit
he was not just cheating
but paying them for sex
god I never been with this type man
my lives normally ontop
my love normally wins.
"how could u pay a addict for sex."
I yelled n screamed
I was the good girl
the one the men hated
cuz I never could go outside
cuz I always had my children n responsibilitys
theyd make me feel like I was missing out
on the world
when I'd b off to walk to school Dr. appointment or catch the bus
was the only times they had to get into my ear
n make me view the women I was was boring to them
they wanted action
they wanted me outside my home
still I DNT Kno y
but then ig
to b equal to them
I wasn't judging them
n my eyes
I was angery
at my insecurities
ur suppose to stand tall as a queen
n not belittle urself to care for people who r beneath u
n I'm sorry they was
how it captured me mentally
was becuz my husband was taking money fromr home
n paying them
do u Kno how insecure that makes u.?
to love someone that is making u look like ur live isn't nothing
it's meaningless
n not good enuff
so his game can win
cuz before u married him
u were the light to other men
so I'll break her down
so other men won't see her value nomore
cuz I. going to mustreat her
n show values n whores
I hate god
becuz I only feel for the one who presented a ring
he captured me at a job
god said people places n things
dam it goes to show
tht doesn't matter for me
here I am working my ass off
to feed me n my family.
we became ftie D's
n I exay he came n proposed to me
he was 50 years old
n I'd always said no.
when he ask to date me
he wasn't attractive
he was just a true homie
he'd make me laugh
n u Kno all tht shit
the ring was 900 from Ross Elliot's
I was so happy
not knowing if b tricked
he only passed the drug screen in order to work cuz dope only last n ur system 3 days.
see I didn't know about dope
I didn't know the game
so my thinking was yes
I found a man whose Clean
cuz people would try to get at me thru stupid social media
or catch me walking to appointments
they never knew how
how to get Anna.
so I fell
fell for wat Disney channel teaches us n r kids
to love n marry n gave kids
but I forgot the Bible said
to really not get married
but marry to not sin
that's wat I perceived
my sexual things captured me when I was alone at home
or everyone was asleep
the masterbation every night
from not being able to go out side
not haven time to date
n truly get to Kno a person
momma says all men is out to hurt me
I hated momma for tht
cuz I knew tht
I just wanted to prove to get
to myself I had live from a man
that was r family tradition
live marriage n passion
not realizing that wasn't a followed thru tradition
I was the one n the family lacking live
I was the one who vegan running away from home n my kids
the masterbation every night
it got old n wasn't fun
ig the devil sat to Kno my weakness
everyday I was guided by my bilbe readings
I stayed away from dark places n things
like the Lion King
momma told me dnt go there.
but all I knew was there
the ones I went to school with
the ones I worked wit
how could they go there
momma I can survive this
look momma I just want u to see I'm brave
momma I'm insecure like my father
so wat can I do to win
to make u see
I can win at something
I thought about men alot
it was the only thing missing
I had everything
I needed
I needed for nothing
but the missing pieces is wat got me n trouble
it's wat the whispers were from the devil
momma only knew men would hurt me
cuz I got pregnant by men
tht would do it on purpose
n leave me 18 years old alone
to grow n take care of babies on my own
n that happened by me traveling to visit family
these things happened to me with good intentions
I'm going to visit family
n this was the ending
this is wat finds me
it's always found me from the beginning
mom told me
when I was a newborn
she lsyed n bed silently
as she cracked the door as I was asleep
she said she sat down
n three dark shadows wfnt fast paste the Tv.
do u Kno we're they came.
they came to me.
momma said I immediately started screaming.
n she came n prayed n Muslim over me.
n I went back to sleep.
something has been after me
since a child
n it shows n my life
this was before dope
I was premature
n my choices n life r always bad
n the end my choices
leave me In rehab
once I started sneaking out
it was to late to realise
momma was keeping me from bad
but she never explained to me wat was do bad
I wasn't despite for a man .
I just seen wat everyone else had
tht I didn't have time for
I didn't have time to go on dates n get to Kno a man for who they were
momma's baby sitting until I'm out of school
got to rush home
a man walks up to me
"aye u ur beautiful."
n I'd say
I gave 5 minutes
five minutes to fuck him
only to feel he'll chase me n take me from this captured life
not knowing he'd spread rumors
cuz he was use to the good girls getting to know them
n not just jump n fuck them
so my reputation became poor
I am now thee addict
of misunderstanding
n the half way whore
I ran from home
n men tore me
I mean they killed n destroyed me
men who were jealous of my brother
that I had no idea they were beefing
would cum n sleep wit me just to hurt him
I had a brother
n other girls didn't
so they could say my pussy was good
like they did other Butch's
cuz my brother would b pissed
so tht added to y I lost n this game
they cnt sit n argue tht it's good
like they can with other chicks
but the icing on the cake was
let's say she's not shit
to get to him
it's all winning over
it's all the fact I'm a looser
I left my family
n I'ma die a user
courts took them away
now I'm equal to those I once judged
I wasn't judging
I didn't understand
how a good girl
who stays home
was boring to them n unloved
my father is the cause of this
dam it if it wasn't just my brother he loved
any time he'd would spend with me
the only discussions we would have
is how he hates my mom cuz she left him n dmt want him bck
I look just like my mom n he hates tht
when I was 21 years old he told me he wasn't my dad
my dad's an addict
n I am just like my dad
n it hurts so bad
I am Bobby lee
n I cnt take tht image out of my head
more reason to use
the hateful memories of my dad
him using me for child support money
that I never got
using it to but his whore a home
n getting her hair n nails did
but not me
I asked to b a cheer leader n he said no
n exposed me to the streets
he'd make me leave @ 12 am nthe morning
cuz him n her were arguen
about me
she hated me cuz I was my mother's child
she would whoop me with hangrs n make my dad say hurtful things
my dad lived offf people
n now look tht persons me
the addict if a pain
they see as excuses
but this isn't tht
this is reasons of my poor choices
the things tht my parents did
tht replays n my head
then it all worked out for the wolves n the end
see wolves they hide n watch ur hurts
they can hear r arguemdnrs outside
they Kno wrre it hurts
but momma tried to save me from the streets
but here's we're it gets worse
momma was a alcoholic
"ur gone b nothing just like ur father.
(smack. smack.)
she'd hit me n tell me tht.
I cried n my room
as she'd bust n
momma wouldn't stop the negative words n beatings until I argued bck wit her
making her have a reason to say she hit me
hiding that she was hitting me for nothing before.
she wouldn't stop
until I packed n my things n ran out the door
she knows I don't last
n I'd need her bck
my momma was like Ike
n I shoukdbe known I'd marry a bad man
cuz she would shower me wit gifts
the next day
to keep my mouth shut
or real me bck n
sometimes id get beat by her
n I'd just think y god
I cnt even talk to my mom about my hurts
cuz when she's drunk she'd talk about them aloud
then my step dad would hear
my mom
how could she live a man who would call her daughter a whore.
she's been beat by every man she's ever been with
including him
he stopped drinking
so it ended her beatings wit him
my mom went to jail
n got out
to accuse me of sleeping with him cuz he did my laundry
he wouldn't allow me to doy own laundry
saying
" ur not allowed to use my brand new washer."
lord knows the secrets n tht
everyday I Kno people will do me bad
when people see ur family not love u
or have ur bck
they use tht
they Kno noone would hurt them over u
so I was left for whores
but it didn't matter
that they were worse then I
my reasons didn't matter
cuz these girls was more valuable
they were getting chased
they were getting beat by guys
that was valuable
to men were I live
but I had a brother
who loves
shooting guns
so they couldn't beat on me
all the ballers here
r friends wit my brother
so I had to b with bums
only cuz I didn't want to fuck my brothers friends
or people he knew
I lowered my standards
cuz I dated only one guy
that was a baller
Friends wit my brother
it hurt n torn my brother
when I spilled the beans
but I didn't know a brother would make things worse for me
he went n destroyed r relationship
scaring the guy so bad tht he started rumors about me so my brother wouldn't think he was secretly still seeing me behind his back.
so everything n my life is an embarrassment
my family destroyed me first
before anyone can
they take the blame fro. themselves n gikt for wat they done to me
n conflict it n to myself
"ur the blame Anna. "
they blame it saying
I'm desprite to have a man
look at wat they taught me n the end
momma use to leave my brother n the house to raise me
while she went out with men
grandma left momma as a kid to raise her sisters n brothers to chase men
so I'm the one n the family
the devil chose for this generation to recycle
I'm the beautiful one
but the most lonely
the only one whose a disgrace is me n Tory
the addicts
the ones
we can't care to hear from
cuz once they Kno ur an addict
they use they horrible teeamdnt they done to u
becuz they Kno the world trusts no addict
no!
u were doing this before
before I took that hit
ur pundhiment gate n beatings n gutful words if punishment
led me there
dies any one ever think
wat leads a non addict there
u DNt just go to a dark place u Kno is dark for fun
I r all devil n sharks
n u found my blood
love. Anna vinson
©anistic
A