What do I say, I don't know if I should be mad at you or trust the process as many have adviced me to do. Now that's the problem, that's the damn problem why should trust the process which has brought me nothing but pain, How can I trust this process which has left me crying on the bathroom floor asking for an escape door.
God if the things I hear about you are true, If the words I read in the bible are real, then why do I feel left out, Why do I feel less of a human being God why?? I'm not as righteous as Job so why pass me through all these test?? God why?
Why do you allow me to suffer like this?
Just the other you gave me a present, something I never thought I'd have, God I was so happy for once I felt so great, Yaani it was a feeling I've never felt my entire life, I prayed to you God, I thank you so much for it, a day hardly passed without me talking to You God, But what did you do? You took it away from me just like that it was gone.... even before it was officially with me you just took it, hivyo tu, with no explanation
God when I was raped you were just there watching, my parents divorced still you were watching, the pain I went through while you sat up there looking at me was unbearable if that wasn't enough I had to drop out of school God ukiwatch tu, my life was hell circumstances forced me to do things only you and I know but still you didn't do anything, I got a job something that made me happy but again it was taken away from me.. God why ??? I won't talk about love relationships nor friendships because none of them worked out anyway.
I lost everything i worked so hard for, my faith in you is already shaking, i don't know what to do... I'm wounded, I'm bleeding, it's too much aki this is too much for me to bare.... this is too much for one person... for Christ sake make it easy for me, the strength I thought I had is all gone just like that disappeared into thin air like all the happy moments I thought I had
I'm so broken right now, I'm so weak right now , I need the strength to push on .... who do I cry to if not you, where do I ease my mind if not to you, Father Lord why I'm I going through so much suffering,,, where are you God? God why Aki?
I have alot of questions but there's no one to answer them not even my parents not even the doctors
Why me God? Why do you allow all this to happen to me, Are you not a loving Father??? Are you not a forging God??? How many times I've I always repented? I guess uncountable right... and if it's something I did wrong God I'm sure you must have forgiven me right? So then why I'm I going through all these??? Why ? why?
Why?
why?
why?
why?
I'm so tired Lord, I'm so exhausted nipumzishe tu, let me rest now , Don't you think I've already gone through alot .... I've been rejected, insulted, laughed at, I've had people walk in just to leave me for no good reason, I've had people who don't even know me call me names God why? Where did I go wrong tell me i fix it , I'm so done wailing.
I see you doing it for others, why don't you do it for me now? I'm tired of hearing others testifying please make it easy for me I'm tired of asking for strength because the more I do the more difficult it gets ,,,,,,,
It's 3:22am and I can't sleep, overthinking has been my routine , As people are enjoying this festive season I'm all alone in my room wailing... My voice is not supposed to be heard because crying is a sign of weakness 😭😭 😭 what do I do ... I fake a smile throughout the day only for me to cry my eyes out during the night.... it's enough. I'm so tired of pretending, I'm so tired of fighting tears each time I lie that I'm okay... But what choice do I have?
©mara_pain
LIFE IS A SERIES OF PAIN.
©mara_pain
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