every muscle in my body feels like 10 lions are having a field day ripping me apart.
as this is all happening , sharpened swords and baby devil's are stomping and eating at my heart. my hands start itching and my palms are floating in sweat ....eyes loose focus and turn everything to dark , throat starts closing and this is how it always starts...I should know how to handle this crippling moment , its something I have to live with for the rest of my life...but it never gets better nor easier.
a constant panic every day , already preparing for the trample and words thrown at me and knowing there's nothing I can do or say. anxiety. panic and traumas of the world have scarred me so deeply that I started carrying it when I was a little girl.
is it really bad that I think melting away from the earth would be easier ? I wouldn't have to live a life of being a disappoinment , hurting someone , or being a burden and I know in reality , I'm the person that nobody wanted.
I have never been the bravest one , outspoken one, or any of the above. so because of that I never look at myself as deserving as much .
I accept anything and everyone because deep down inside i feel like I'm not enough, so I should be honored that anyone wants to be around me or with me ...even though I know it's fake.
stuffing everything in this hollow dark beat body...
every stich of pain...
every hurtful word ...
every pointed finger...
every time I would be left alone after someone promised they would stay....
every crackle of rage that I couldn't let out ...
every lifted fist that danced on my body ...
every creepy adult hand that touched in vial ways...
every smile I had to force on my lips , to please others who ended up sealing my fate.
every forced laugh just so they won't be mean to me , when I really would be hurt and angry but Im pathetic and weak so I let people say what they want to say and make it seem ok.
©scorpio
S