I'm in a solitary cell, max dime, not the first time
Locked up
Doing time for my ignorant crime of feeling 'fine'.
I guess this is justice.
The bench called Lonely has rotted teeth
But talks up a big game that I will always lose
The rules are never 'consistent' other than in
They are always variables.
The shackles bind my wrists
But don't cut where the scars already are.
The chains keep me like a brother or sister would
From reaching out of the
Steel bars of anxiety, and from
Melting the lock of impulsivity.
Suddenly petulant and pent up depression
Traps the weight of my relationships
Into the walls and close fabrics
Of my 'tough skin'
Reminding me of how many 'would's become 'should's by my own careless...
I mean... Carefulness
Plucking each heartstring with the shallow scratch
Of a dull knife
Just enough to lessen the strength by tenfold
But infinitely stretching the time of fraying
It would take so much of so little to unravel me
Break me into pieces small enough to fit in the curve
Of a palm
Only to crush me with fists of unreliability.
I feel so hurt by so little
Every sensitivity a mark
Showing just how long I have been here
Slowly losing my mind
To the criminals of heartless warlords
That I talk to
The invisible friends I've made out of
Bad reactions to change that make me unpredictable,
Dangerous infractions of vulnerability,
The misremembering of inevitably important tasks,
And garish passions of making good first impressions.
The claw ruts in these prison barriers
Are from my own body
Raking into the same rock and a hard place
Of not being able to trust that if I dig into
Anywhere else
That freedom will come easier, if I even wanted it to,
And yet being mocked at by my own self definition
In that I am drilled into the same anxious routine
By the deeds I feared most as a child
Being beaten and raped and threatened
By the voices in my head and the tears in my heart
The dreams and nightmares that never were mine
Thrashing and gnashing and biting and pacing,
The agonizingly allergic answers my soul
Gives to life's incessant rhetorical inquiries are
Unnatural
Explosive seizures of thought I have
Over circumstances and situations
That to normal people
Are forgettable
©kelli.tj3
K