Sometimes I wake up, and I subconsciously reach out to feel for you, and it rubs in that you are no longer beside me.
Depending on the days really, I either lie there and wrap my own hand around my waist and pretend its yours or tears just well up under my eye lids and I sit up and sob into my hands. I miss you, I dont know when I will stop missing you, the feeling of missing you just eats me away. Food has lost taste, life lost its colors. Days pass in a haze. I wonder through my job like a programmed robot. Weekends are the worst because I remember how you would sit up in bed and try to convince me to sleep the day in.
But I wouldve always said we needed the money and I had to go into work only for 4 hours and you'de have me off the whole afternoon.
If I had stayed home with you, would it have made you stayed ? God I knows I miss you so much
Those late nights where I would be hungry and you say stay here, Ill go get us something to eat and then youde climb the fence because the yard owner had already locked the gates and youde come back later w a huge plastic of goodies.
It was during those times I was humbled by how you still chose to love me, in my worst.
We didnt have a house or even a room, we slept in a makeshift made out of iron scraps and roofing tin and pallets w one small window. A mattress, our clothes bag and a mosquito net. That was all we had. But I had you to cling to for dear life, I cant remember why we fought alot, and I wish I could go back amd undo all those fights and replace them w reassuring you how much I loved you.
All I know now is, if it had been any better, if anyone of our family had accepted us for our love then for each other. I am sure, you would still be here with me today. The lressure of them disagreeing with our relationship caused us so much trouble and pain that we took it out on each other because of their indifferences. I'll never forgive my famiky or yours for taking you away from me, that had no right to break my heart like that.
I walked into meet your Father, all by myself after recieving multiple threats, ALL BY MYSELF. Its something a guy would do, but this was amthe young girl I was, naive and so loyal it hurt like heck when that was all thrown aside.
Years after you left, I lost weight and I couldnt eat and late hours at night Ide creep under the house to cry. Because I missed you so much.
For everything you did for me, and everything I did was walk away with a deeply broken heart and baby girl to raise.
Someone once told us both that we were meant to be thats why things had to be rough in order for us both to appreviate ourselves.
If you asked me to come back to us today, I would gladly accelt you because my daughter needs her Daddy, and I need my bestfriend back. Life for us both now is defined by you and how you left us.
Men use that as an excuse to not stay, they say my heart is still with you wherever you are.
To date, I have never found someone that loves me as much as you did, have you found my replacement ? I miss you frienemy 😔💔
©lisathea
L